“I hear what you’re saying, I just don’t believe any of that is true.”
That’s what my incredibly sensitive, intelligent, and honest son replied to me last night when I again reiterated the possibilites available to him and how — despite his mild cerebral palsy — we would be able to find him paying work that he was well-suited for.
Now this kid of mine, this kid is smart. At 18, he can meaningfully contribute to an adult conversation about economics, history, or politics with relative ease. He plays games like Civilization at a high level. He builds Minecraft mod bundles for his brothers and taught himself Javascript. I think he has some kind of open source music app floating around he made with online friends. And above all, he’s kind, considerate, and ethically-minded.
But he also has a problem, and it’s not his cerebral palsy: he can’t accept kind feedback. At all. “It feels like any positive things are disingenuous. It’s hard to believe it’s true.”
My son isn’t unique, but I tell his story because it’s so much easier to see these patterns in others than in ourselves. And when you can see the patterns, you can change the patterns because the Psyche’s power over us only works when the map remains invisible.
Due to a difficult family law situation, my son grew up in his dad’s home, which wasn’t great. His grandmother was capricious and volatile. His father, while well-meaning, wasn’t emotionally stable or mature enough to give them the kind of consistency they deserved. The kids learned to never take anything those adults said at face value, because they were often lies. And so even now with me, a stable parent who doesn’t lie to her children and who is safe, that pattern remains into adulthood like an old wound that won’t just scab over and scar already.
Here’s what I know that’s happening that you may not yet:
- Our psyche ONLY and ALWAYS creates responses and coping mechanisms it thinks are helpful. And whatever it came up with at 3, 5, or 7 to help you cope with an emotionally or physically dangerous situation may be different than what your siblings came up with. Which is how you can have one sibling who struggles and another who thrives, despite growing up in the same soup. Same environment, different emotional experiences and thus different “rules” for reality.
- There is no “adult” switch for our mindset and somatic responses. So yes, you will act like a petulant 5 year-old despite being 36 if that moment/age you didn’t master gets triggered. For me, it was invoicing. I’d panic at sending an invoice to the point that I once went homeless because I couldn’t get my money mindset straight. That’s a story for another day.
- Even if you resolve that issue in one of its manifestations (like asking for money) it’ll come up in others (like your relationships) until released, reframed, and resolved. And triggers about neutral things (like money) are never about money but about self-worth and safety. This is why it feels like you keep facing this same problem over and over again. You literally are.
But here’s the good news: You get to tell your Psyche that this response no longer serves you, and that it’s actually hurting you. Let me repeat: this is not your personality, it simply feels like it because it’s been with you forever. But it’s not permanent, I promise.
Once you can release what triggers you, here’s what happens:
- That constant negative internal chatter goes away. I know mine did. That constant low hum of negativity? Vanished. Quiet. Instead, you’ll start to feel optimistic, perhaps for the first time ever.
- That somatic feeling of constriction, heaviness in your neck/throat, sharp pains in your chest, and hives? Panic attacks? Headaches? That’ll be gone, replaced instead by neutral responses to a situation. Even if the situation isn’t a good one, you won’t be feeling like it’s the end of the world to have to face it.
- You’ll feel less like you’re running from things and more like you can build toward what you want. And you’ll feel good about wanting it. 🙂
- You’ll start to get a sense of the options in front of you that you would have previously missed.
- Meeting your goals in your business, professional life, and relationships will start to get easier. You’ll second-guess yourself less often and even if you do, it’ll be less from an emotional state and more from a
- New triggers feel less overwhelming. Your body will begin learning that it’s better to let the emotions and energy flow rather than keep it bottled up and repressed in your body. (See #2)
- Your intuition and gut feelings get stronger. You’ll finally feel like you can trust what your internal guidance system tells you about people, places, and opportunities. And this is where the magic really happens, because you’ll begin making smarter and more timely decisions where before you would have missed the boat.
As for my son, he’ll be okay. We have conversations where he gently gets reframed and these issues get released slowly as he feels safe to do so. But you don’t have to go slow if you don’t want to, because this is the work I do at Timeline Hypnosis. Contact me today to book a free 15-minute “Vibe Check” call to feel if we’re a fit and explore the options together.
